People who struggle to speak up often live with a fear that they'll never be able to do so. The mere thought of difficult conversations triggers physical responses - a lump in the throat, a knot in the stomach, pressure on the chest. When a conversation evolves toward challenging territory, they begin fidgeting nervously, shifting uncomfortably in their seats.

What these individuals don't realize is that they already possess the skills needed for these dreaded "difficult conversations."

> the CEO who couldn't confront

Take Sydney, CEO and co-founder of the forward-thinking branding agency Nemesis. Before our coaching work together, confrontation would cause him to break into a sweat. With an awkward laugh, he would either give in or skillfully redirect the conversation to avoid conflict altogether.

What Sydney didn’t realise was this. The three co-founders of Nemesis had made a pact to fuel each other's growth through brutally honest feedback - both in daily interactions and structured quarterly growth meetings. In these settings, Sydney actually did provide feedback. Though it was often written down, and he avoided eye contact during face-to-face discussions, he was still speaking up.

> you’re already doing it

Many people already have spaces where they speak up naturally. It might be at home, with a pet, a friend, a stranger, or even when complaining at a restaurant. The capacity exists, but context matters.

When I pointed out these instances to Sydney - times when he had been brutally honest without nervous hands or rising sweat - a look of relief came over him.

"I know how to do this if I believe the situation is safe," he realized. "Speaking up can actually feel natural to me."

> the actual fear

We explored this revelation further. Often, the fear isn't about the act of speaking up itself, but rather the perceived consequences:

- "People will think I'm stupid or disrespectful"

- "I'm taking up too much space"

- "Who would listen to me anyway?"

- "I'm not allowed to make mistakes"

For Sydney, we discovered that he feared becoming like his father. He carried a childhood memory of his dad shouting angrily at people when they made mistakes. Sydney had subconsciously formed the belief: "If I speak up, I will be like my dad and disrespect others as he did."

> reframe the narrative

By becoming aware of this long-held (and ultimately illogical) connection, Sydney could explore alternative reasoning. We started with cognitive reframing - examining what speaking up could mean beyond being disrespectful:

- Speaking up brings clarity

- Speaking up strengthens relationships

- Speaking up can be done with the same empathy he uses in other contexts

But cognitive understanding isn't enough. We needed to integrate these new meanings somatically, ensuring that Sydney's body would associate speaking up with feelings of safety, curiosity, and care rather than danger.

> create safe contexts

For Sydney, providing "brutally honest" feedback to his co-founders felt safe because it was part of an agreement between them. Being loyal to their growth pact outweighed the discomfort of speaking up, which is why these situations felt good to him.

This was his breakthrough moment - realizing he could create similar atmospheres and agreements in many more contexts. By establishing clear communication frameworks, he could ensure others would perceive his feedback as coming from a place of good intent.

> a practical guide to speaking up

If you struggle with speaking up, try these steps:

1. Become aware of your physical signals: Observe and document what happens in your body when you think about uncomfortable situations where you need to speak up.

2. Identify your safe contexts: Write down situations and people (significant or minor) with whom you can already speak freely.

3. Activate somatic memory: Think about these safe situations and notice where in your body you feel comfortable. Try to access and remember this physical feeling.

4. Uncover underlying beliefs: Document which beliefs you associate with speaking up in uncomfortable situations versus safer ones.

5. Choose your narrative: Decide what you want to believe about speaking up going forward.

6. Monitor the impact: Pay attention to how these new perspectives affect your next difficult conversation.

Note that in a coaching session, you can integrate these new perspectives and beliefs even more profoundly; especially on a somatic level.

The ability to speak up isn't something you need to learn from scratch - it's already within you. What you must learn is how to transfer this natural ability across different contexts by addressing the underlying fears that hold you back.

When you realize you already know how to speak your truth, the journey becomes not about acquiring a new skill, but about freeing yourself from the limitations you’ve placed on an existing one.